Get back (to where you once belonged)
"Belonging" has always been a big thing for me.
All my life I've suffered the abandoned-child-syndrome that, as an adult I have discovered is not at all uncommon! Mine comes from growing up with a bi-polar mother. Living with a mentally ill parent was an emotional roller-coaster, each day unpredictable, and when as a teenager it was mainly just me and my Mum for four years (whilst my Dad worked overseas) I needed to find my own mental and emotional safe place.
I found that place behind the closed door of my bedroom. With my radio. And my pop magazines (Smash Hits and No.1 anyone? :). And on the weekends it was all about the music videos.
Across Saturday and Sunday there was about 12 hours of music video shows, which for the mid-to-late 80s was a lot, as there was only free to air TV (pay tv wasn't even close to being in Australia back then). I adored getting lost in this world, where people could be as outrageous as they wanted to be, change their look every new song, and it just looked like ... fun!
It pulled on my emotions too. 'Shout' by Tears For Fears - could there be a better song for teenage angst? 'Careless Whisper' - oh George (bless) with his blond flicked fringe, hanging onto that rope as he regretted his indiscretion, and Spandau Ballet telling us to "always believe in your soul (you're indestructible)".
I loved this world and these new romantic people. This was my safe place. This is where I belonged.
Fast forward ten years, I decided to be an online creative entrepreneur (I just didn't know that was a thing yet).
I got my first computer in the late 90s and set up a Geocities website where I posted my cartoon drawings of characters from tv series like The Bill and Friends, before moving on to illustrate the faces I saw in my adored music videos. It was the first inkling I had that this is where I could share my creativity and maybe even do something with it! Twenty years on, I'm wondering where the time has gone.
The numerous ideas (think dozens, if not hundreds), usernames and websites that I've had the last two decades will have to wait for another post - if I can bear to even attempt it one day. But suffice to say, I've been around, and around, in a dizzying number of circles trying to find my place in the ever increasing noise of the internet. To be honest, I have tried all the things that I thought I 'should' be doing, the things that others were doing, the things that I thought people would want me to do. And we all know how that turns out, right? Right.
Time to get back to my first true love.
I don't know if it's because of age or circumstance - my last two years have been incredibly, umm, let's just say "challenging" and "character building" - that I find myself going back to the place where I once felt I belonged. The place that lets me close the door on the real world, yet, somewhat ironically, allows me to feel all the emotions that have been waiting to be expressed. A place where my physical body sighs with the relief of letting go and my soul happily rests.
my darling, my beloved, my music videos - I'm coming back for you.
And I can't bloody wait.